I Am McLovin'

Fast food. Usually on my docket if it’s 3 a.m. and I’ve pwned a sixer or I'm on a road trip, because calories don’t count on road trips, duh.

But I made an exception recently. A BIG one. You see, being in the communications industry, I tend to pay a lot more attention to advertisements. And one I kept seeing was for the McRib – “It’s Back!” (so throw better judgment to the wind, unbutton your pants and get that fat ass on down to McD’s!). That thing is STILL around? I’ve never had it, because frankly, I’m from KC and I prefer a real rack of ribs vs. some molded imposter. But alas, since this thing has a cult following (at least it’s not Kool-Aid!), I decided to try it once and for all.

But why stop there? If I’m going to subject myself to the perceived puketasticness of the McRib, why not try a few other things and make an event out of it? So, after conferring with the boyfriend and some folks at his work (who are all dudes a couple years out of college and still pound their fair share of this “food”), we decided I’d punish my gut with a Happy Meal (to compare to the ones I ate as a kid), the chocolate chip cookies that you never think to order because ice cream is way better and…the McGangBang. You heard me right. Apparently folks like to purchase a double cheeseburger and a spicy chicken sandwich off the Dollar Menu and pretend they make hard, nasty sexy time to create this monstrosity of a sandwich. There’s also the Land, Sea and Air burger, which has a beef patty, chicken patty and fillet-o-fish patty all piled high onto a bun. I passed on that one. After all, I had to moderate.

On to the ordering. I was a bit apprehensive because I was worried I might get questioned on the Happy Meal…oh, and look like a ‘tard, but I forged ahead and surprisingly, the little Mexican dude didn’t blink an eye after I gave him my laundry list of requests.  But then again, judging some of the folks who patronize the place, he probably keeps a defibrillator behind the counter, so my order was child’s play.

Before I get on to the food analysis, please know that you CAN’T order the McGangBang, so don’t even try. It’s a DIY sort of thing. Kinda like masturbation.

Okay, so on to the food. First up: The McRib.

This saucy concoction immediately made the hair stand up on the back of my neck. Look at it. Sick nasty.

I dug in for the first bite, which for a nanosecond was decent because of the BBQ sauce, but as I chewed, I started to experience profound food remorse.

Which turned into full-on disgust.

Good God, it was terrible. Who eats this…and likes it? Of all the things you could put in your mouth [insert BJ joke here], why would you subject yourself to this abomination masquerading as food? I could probably find a better meal by digging through the trash behind a strip club. They serve prime rib, for Christ’s sake. BBQ sauce can enhance a lot of things, but in this case, it can’t fix the mushy, “hot dogs thrown into a blender” kind of texture. Oh, and it’s made of 70 ingredients, including a substance that is used to make gym mats and shoe soles. Pretty sure it’s not good to flavor food with something from the garage. But what do I know about mutant food? Verdict: Eat only if you lose a dare. It’s not even passable as drunk food.

So, on to the Happy Meal, or “Crappy Meal” as my dad used to call it. First off, WHERE IN THE HELL IS THE COOL BOX IT USED TO COME IN? You know, this one:

Instead, they decided to go all environmentally friendly on our asses and give us this crappy glorified lunch sack.

The good thing is, you still get a toy, and in my case, I got a walking Humpty Dumpty from “Puss in Boots.” First win of the night. Cue the Humpty Dance music (ah ah, do it baby!).

I ordered chicken nuggets with fries and a soda because frankly, the last time I had fruit or milk with fast food was…never. I don’t eat oxymorons, fools.

It was as good [read: bad] as I remember it; the nostalgia definitely played a part in me actually eating it vs. throwing the nuggets at the stupid teens sporting the those painted-on jeans that they SAG (WTF – If you’re old enough to know right vs. wrong, you should know that sagging tight jeans is so off the charts wrong that you belong in special ed, stupid).  Verdict: Tastes as good as deep-fried pressed chicken parts can taste, but I’d probably opt to stay with the big kid selections. “Big” being the operative word.

After I finished my Happy Meal, I moved on to the aforementioned McGangBang.

It looked pretty daunting, but I figure anything that alludes to violent group sex has to be tasty. And it was. Hit of the night. It’s like a savory Twinkie. You first taste the standard bread/beef patty, but then you get the lovely spicy surprise of fried chicken in the middle.

I owned that filthy sandy. Pretty sure it called me “Mami” midway through. And the burning in my stomach was probably the chewed up remnants lighting a cigarette. Verdict: If you’re looking for a cheap thrill, this is your go-to.

To end on a sweet note, I had one of the cookies (3 for $1 – a bitchin’ bargain!).

All I have to say is…nothing. It was a chocolate chip cookie. I’m an adventurous cookie eater, and frankly, this was the missionary of cookies. Verdict: Decent, but unsatisfying.  

Speaking of unsatisfying, I was so in need of an acceptable way to end my epic meal that my boyfriend went back up and got me the new Reese’s McFlurry.

You really can’t go wrong with a McFlurry. It’s basically a cheaper version of the Blizzard, but with all the fat and calories. I can’t think of a better way to silence my prick of an inner fat kid (shut up, you beefy turdface). Verdict: One of the best things on the menu. Let’s hope it never goes away (unless we’re talking about the blubber it leaves on your ass – that can disappear any time it wants to).

You’re probably thinking I should’ve been too full to move, but that’s what’s so great about fast food – it’s so high in carbs that you digest it faster...so you can eat even more! Bless you, America. And Walmart, for keeping up with demand for sweatsuits and oversized tees.

All in all, I found my journey through the McD’s menu was a worthwhile one. It made me feel like a better person. I was able to plow through all of that fried/sugary food  1.) completely sober, 2.) without puking, and 3.) while maintaining the ability to refrain from accosting any undersexed (but pretending not to be), tight jean sagging teenagers. I’m lovin’ it.