Taste of Colorawesome

Okay, normally the thought of street-thick crowds makes me want to take a pair of nunchucks to my face, but I decided to brave the Taste of Colorado because dammit, I know they gots good food. Plus, I can walk there, so that’s a bonus.  The thing about Taste of Colorado (which is like a state fair, but most people have all of their teeth) is that when it’s really nice out, it’s tolerable.  So, I ventured out with the boy, very little in the tum-tum on purpose, and readied the stomach. It was a gorgeous 75 degrees outside, so hell, that’s enough to make anyone hungry. Yeah, many people might use the great weather to hike, bike or explore their green thumb – those dirty bastards – but I use it to get a tan as I eat myself to oblivion. That’s because tan people look skinnier (apparently) and hell, I need all the skinny secrets I can get because I was planning to eat like a growing teenage boy (without the barely there pubes…or wait…*winky face*).

So, first stop. Beer tent. It was like premature ejaculation because little did I know, had I walked another block, I could’ve enjoyed a microbrew. Suck. Oh well, It was Blue Moon, and it was good, even without a side of the obligatory orange slice…take note, fair-hopping bartenders!



Looking to build a base for all the food I'm going to eat.



Next stop? Oh, just the place that serves fried ALLIGATOR. Talk about getting some supreme tail. Sure, I got about 1/100 of it, but frankly, put some of that in a cornmeal batter and deep-fry it, it tastes just like… (stop waiting for me to say something inappropriate because I never do that, sillies) chewy chicken. Yeah, not so impressed, but who has had fried alligator? People who speak that Cajun pidgin stuff… and me. Another notch on my belt…made of alligator skin.

Knowing that I'm eating the tail of an animal that does the Death Roll is hawt.

Next stop: Lunch. What’s that I see? A Wild Game sign?!? Gimme. Immediately. So, they had a bunch of the hoofed game meat (elk, venison, buffalo, etc.), but I’ve done that and needed something that would make me question my choices..oh, and make me want to take a shower afterward. So I went for the rattlesnake sausage. People, rattlesnakes suck ass. They’re scary, they bite, they stick out their tongues at everyone, they live in dry, wretched places and they have a baby rattle attached to their asses. Stupids. But slap my mom and call her Susan (her name is actually Susan – sorry, Mom!) this sausage is some of the best sausage I’ve ever had in my life. For realz. It’s really light, but the seasoning was just enough to make it great without overdoing it. It’s like a hot dog on crack…meaning crack of the rattle, bitches.

So, clearly, one r’snake dog isn’t going to do it for me. Granted, I boned out with its deliciousness, but hell on trike wheels, mi estomago wasn’t done yet. I mean, if you’re at a fair designed around food (aren’t they all?), I must grub más. So, we walked through this area infested with 13-year-old “I dye my hair with Kool-Aid and wear jeans that are self-ripped…but not really, they’re from Hot Topic” peeps. Gross. [Disclaimer:  I was one of those. I just punched myself in the chest thinking about it.]

Anyway, that meant we had to trudge through the rides (think Uncle Eddie, Tilt-A-Whirl and Carnies (small hands!)) but happened upon this little cart wielding all that is fried glory. Yeah, they know their target market, but I’m in a market all my own: Bitch be crazy…and starving. So, the boy and I opt for fried Oreos. It took a million years…at least that’s what pre-teen blondie with the Manic Panic hair said…but suck a honey badger’s tit, this was amazing.

Holy Poopface -- who let this girl outside? Note: no need to match the color of the food you're eating. The powdered sugar look is not FASHION.

Anything fried is good. But anything fried with chocolate in it? Holy ballsack, it’s the bestest. Look at it!

I may or may not have had to pound my chest a few times to restart my heart, but it was worth it. I love fun, whimsical, super-fattening food, and Taste of Colorado delivered. If you ever have a chance to hit a food fair, do it. Lots of local restaurants, lots of good beer and ‘cohol and LOTS of excellent people-watching [read: freaky people who probably indulge in bestiality]. Funzies.