An Ode To The California Burrito

There’s something to be said about burritos. They’re a meal (a G-D gut bomb at that) wrapped up in a tortilla. You can put pretty much anything in them. Shit, you can put another burrito in them (aka “The Pregnant Burrito”). Portable, delicious…and the reason Beano was invented. But not all burritos fall in the realm of what I like to call “Holy Mother Of All that Gives Me Colonic Hardship, But Worth The Trip To The Toilet.”

Lucky for San Diego, they invented something worth a day of colon blows: The California Burrito. Typically if you live anywhere other than California, any meal with “California” in the title means avocado, sprouts and something healthy. But get your sweet ass to San Diego, because that city is the antithesis of the leafy green veggie assault you expect from California…in the form of what’s called the California Burrito. What’s in this magnificent handheld piece of wonderment you ask? Um, all that’s delicious, duh.

They start with carne asada. That in itself is downright poop-your-pants delicious. It’s essentially a thin steak that’s grilled and cut into bits or strips and serves as the protein base for the burrito. Then comes a heart-attack load of cheese, a dollop of sour cream that was probably loaded on there by one of the employee’s low rider trucks parked in the back. You know, the one with decked out with sweet decals in that old English lettering that looks like someone barfed up serifs everywhere.

And the best part: FRENCH FRIES. You heard that right, folks. Just because it’s not a breakfast burrito doesn’t mean it can’t get some tuber action. And it does. It flexes its starch muscles like some overly tanned meathead…but in this case, a meathead with a brain (I mean, you have to be a GENIUS to include something French in a Mexican dish. There’s a sex joke in there somewhere).



I would've smiled like a Cheshire cat in this pic because I was in Mexi-heaven, but alas, my teeth were busy assaulting some California burrito goodness.



Anyway, it’s probably one of the best burritos I’ve had in my life, and you can get them anywhere in San Diego. Some people go to San Diego to chill at the beach…my next trip there will be to eat my weight in California burritos.

Oh, and if you’re still hungry after the burrito (what are you, a fat ass like me?), try the carne asada fries. Basically a box full of French fries covered in carne asada, cheese, sour cream, guac and overall awesomeness. You might want to bring a portable defibrillator…just to be on the safe side. CLEAR!